Ever said something and then regretted it? Of course, we all have. Whether it’s a mean comment in the heat of an argument with a loved one, or what we thought afterwards was a stupid comment, and we said it out loud in front of people. Or what seemed to be an even bigger mistake, speaking out at work, and losing a job as a result.
I’ve done all of the above. Losing a job seems to be a pretty disastrous consequence, but I don’t regret saying what I did. It was for a small charity, and I pointed out some things that needed changing. I was right about the things that needed changing, and the trustees seemed to agree with me. They also thought that the changes included not having me on the payroll, for reasons I never understood. But no matter, I was right about the changes, and I survived losing the job. In fact, so many wonderful things have happened since, that I’m not even sorry I no longer work there.
But what if you don’t speak up? What about those times you didn’t say something, and wish you had? Yes, there might be times when you decide for the greater good to keep quiet. It’s not those occasions that are the problem. But if you fail to speak up for what you think is right through fear – fear of the consequences, lack of confidence or inability to put your argument – then those times have a serious impact on your self esteem over the longer term.
Because in those instances, you’re not being true to your values. You’re making a decision that you don’t deserve to put your point of view across, or that no-one will listen, so what’s the point in saying anything, or you’re allowing the fear to have power over you. None of those are great feelings. If you allow them to stay with you and affect your behaviour for any length of time, then they will eat away at your confidence, self esteem and happiness.
For a long time, I would move on, leave a job, rather than stand up for what I thought was the right thing. And I worked in the charity sector, so I told myself that I was working in organisations that were a good fit with my values. On reflection, I was kidding myself that working for a charity was going to make me happy – there’s more to it than that. (It was certainly better than working for the government, but still wasn’t the right thing.)
As a friend recently pointed out, you can always apologise for something you’ve said, but you usually can’t go back and speak out about something after the event – the opportunity has passed.
Of course, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking up, and we’ll take a look at some of these in another post. Meanwhile, I encourage you to consider your values, what is really important to you, and how does your work support or undermine these.
If you want to know more, download our guide to assertive behaviour.