Don't tell me what to do

Don’t tell me what to do

Who loves being told what to do?  Not many of us, I’m willing to bet.  I was talking to my daughter earlier, and she mentioned she’d been looking for new glasses with a friend.  The friend said her husband has the last word on her new glasses – he would say if she could have them or not.  My daughter was horrified – and said if her husband ​tolde her she couldn’t have them, those are the ones she’d buy, even if she didn’t like them herself.  Just to make the point he couldn’t tell her what to do.  (He doesn’t, just to be clear.  Which is possibly one reason she was horrified that someone else’s husband would.)

It’s one thing for husbands and wives, but does your boss have the power to tell you what to do?  Certainly some bosses act as though they do, and I guess if you push it, there is an expectation that they can.  I remember years ago a colleague recounting a conversation with one of her team members

Jane: Are you telling me to do it?

Sue: No, I’m asking you

Jane: If I say no?

Sue: Then I’m telling you

​Daniel Pink says that autonomy is one of our most important drivers, so what do you do if your boss is always telling you what to do? It's a key aspect of happiness at work.

It can feel stifling if we feel powerless at work, and certainly some work environments drain the life out of people because of this.  But there is always something you can do.  Job crafting means thinking about the purpose of your work, what is important to you, what you enjoy, and crafting more of those things into your work every day.

Even if you have the most micromanaging manager of all time (I’ve met one or two of them) you can take control of how you feel about your work. As Viktor Frankl said in Man's Search for Meaning,

​'...the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.'

Both books are an inspiring read, and you can watch my reviews of them here.

Drive, the surprising truth about what motivates us by Daniel H Pink

Man's search for meaning by Viktor E Frankl

I've written more on this subject here

Autonomy

40 something and bored at work

Autonomy and management

What will you do to take control and gain a little autonomy for yourself?  Taking even the smallest of steps will help you to feel happier at work. Let me know in the comments below what change you will make to be happier at work.

 

Tell me why I don't like Mondays week of happiness at work

Tell me why…

Maybe I should have written this on Monday, because I have an irresistable urge to continue..tell me why....I don't like Mondays. 😊  It's kind of relevant, because this is all about purpose at work, why do you do what you do? And what has that got to do with the #WeekofHappinessatWork?

​From Simon Sinek’s Start with Why, via Daniel Pink’s Drive: the surprising truth about what motivates us, to Kevin Murray’s People with purpose, authors and researchers are showing us how purpose makes a difference with our motivation and productivity at work. According to Murray, your job as a leader is to give everyone in your team or organisation a greater sense of purpose. It delivers better performance and faster growth. Employees live longer, have fewer illnesses (less sickness absence) happier lives and feel fulfilled

I wrote that in February last year.  The problem often is, what if your manager isn’t delivering on his job of creating a sense of purpose in the team? The solution is to take control yourself.  This article in Forbes said

'People often attribute their sense of purpose to three elements: feeling connected to something bigger than themselves, knowing their work matters and, perhaps most importantly, understanding how their work affects other people—not just the organization's bottom line.'

If you’re finding it difficult to be happy at work, maybe reconnecting with why you’re doing the job you’re doing will improve your mood. Think further than ‘because I need the money.’ Take a notebook and make some notes on what it is about your work that is bigger than you.  Who does your work matter to? And how does it affect other people? Whether that’s the people in your life, or the people you’re serving with your work.

I'd love to see what you discovered, let me know in the comments below.

​For more thoughts on purpose you can also watch my review of How to be Happy at Work by Annie McKee here​

Let's do lunch office workers business people lunch break

Let’s do lunch

One of the key indicators of a good workplace is whether you have friendships at work. And one thing that can foster friendships is shared activities.  The simplest and most obvious one in the workplace, especially if you work a roughly 9-5 work day, is lunch.  What happens at lunchtime?  Do you work through and eat a sandwich at your desk?  I hope not, because there are so many benefits to taking a break.

  • We’re more productive when we work in short bursts of around an hour with a 10 – 15 minute break. And then a longer break for lunch.
  • We’re more productive if we’re not hungry – or even worse, hangry.  
  • We also make better decisions.
  • Healthier lunch means healthier people. 
  • If we get to know our co workers we’re more likely to find those friendships, which means we work better together, have a shared purpose.

If you have a dedicated space in your workplace to get away from your desk and eat lunch, make a point of doing that for the rest of this week.  If you don’t have a dedicated space, suggest to a co worker or three that you get out of the office and go somewhere for lunch. Use it as an opportunity to get to know someone a little better.

Let me know what you’re doing for lunch for the rest of this week.

If you want more ideas for how to be happy at work, start here.

Learn to be happy at work

International Week of Happiness at Work

Today marks the beginning of the International Week of Happiness at Work.  Hmm, if you need this, I guess you’re in trouble.  My view is that every week should be happy at work. But too many people don’t feel like that about it.

To mark the week, I’m going to post a new article every day looking at the issues.  If you want to join the conversation, you can find me on twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Instagram, You Tube and my website.

What are your initial thoughts about a week of happiness at work? Post in the comments below, or on any of the social media platforms. Twitter, Facebook and Linked In links are below in About the Author.

​Instagram is new ish, but I can be found here

And find me on You Tube. Maybe start here with this review of Best Place to Work by Ron Friedman

​If you want to make a start, get my seven things you can do today to be happier at work

afro-businesswoman-discussion-1430372

A cautionary tale. When training goes wrong

This cautionary tale tells the story of Dawn, who worked for a large customer service organisation.  During one of those team building awaydays, they were asked to write some anonymous feedback for someone they worked with, who they wished didn’t behave the way they did.

Dawn wrote a lengthy letter, writing what she thought of Gemma, a younger manager she worked with.  Dawn thought Gemma was too abrasive, and not considerate enough of others in the team.  She didn’t hold back in the letter – after all, it was anonymous.

Only, it wasn’t.  The trainers pulled a sneaky trick on the delegates.  They were then asked to sit opposite the person for whom they had written this no holds barred feedback and read it out to them. My desktop won’t play along and let me post an emoji for this, but it would be the shocked one.  I was horrified for Dawn.

I cannot see what is to be gained from this.  I’m a big advocate of feedback.  It is one of the best ways of learning and improving relationships with others.  But there’s a right way and a wrong way to deliver it. This was definitely the wrong way. There are three obvious problems with the approach taken here.

What's the problem?

  1. The giver hasn’t prepared appropriately.  Dawn thought she was just being given the opportunity to vent, get things off her chest.  We’ve all done this in private, not expecting the other party to know what we’re saying.  If she’d known she would have to communicate her thoughts to Gemma, she may have written in a more constructive way.  She may, of course, have just felt it wasn’t worth the effort, or chickened out, and not stated the real problem. Which I guess is why the trainer thought it a good idea to lie about it being anonymous.
  2. Neither has the receiver – they may not be ready to learn from it. And if it’s just a list of complaints, things people don’t like about you, that’s really hard to listen to and not conducive to opening up a spirit of learning. I imagine that Gemma just became defensive. In fact, recent research on the brain confirms that negative feedback stimulates the 'fight or flight' response in us - even when we've asked for it. There's more about this response in this Harvard Business Review article by Buckingham and Goodall (see below also). 
  3. It is not focused on improving the working relationship between the two parties. This, of course, is the real issue I have with the approach. Surely the purpose of a team building awayday is to build good team working? This can only happen if there are good ​relationships. I asked Dawn what happened to her working relationship with Gemma after. (Oh, and just to make matters worse, Gemma had also shared what she thought of Dawn in the same way.) Unsurprisingly, things did not exactly improve between them.

Is there a better way?

Yes. Yes there is. 

At work

On a day to day, informal basis, make sure the only uninvited feedback you give is positive.  Make sure it is to help someone feel good. Make it as specific as you can. And genuine. And work related.  ​As often as you can, not just ‘good job on that presentation’ but ‘I can see you were really thorough in your research for that presentation, I can see how hard you worked.  I especially like the point about.....because.....’

If you’re invited to give feedback (by the actual person, not by a trainer who lies about it!) then you can give honest feedback about where they could improve. There’s still a sensitive way to do this though.  We’ve all heard of the sandwich technique. Sometimes known as the shit sandwich; quite possibly because it’s often uninvited feedback, and done in a clumsy fashion. ‘I’m saying something nice about you as a cover for the criticism I really want to give you, then I suppose I have to say something else nice.’ The nice things somehow don’t seem sincere.

But if you are asked to give feedback, keep to the same rules of making it specific and genuine.  And yes, you do need to find actual positives to share, even when you’re also delivering a point where someone can improve. You still need to ensure they feel good about your feedback, and you can only do this by being genuine about wanting to help them. The sandwich technique comes from a good place, and if you bear this in mind, that you want the person to feel good, then you can deliver feedback that will actually help.

In training

What I think this trainer should have done is acknowledge that the delegates may not have had the skills, or be in the right place with a working relationship, to deliver effective feedback on 'areas for improvement'.  The task then, was to help them gain the skills.  Or alternatively, spend some time on looking at why relationships may not be as good as they could be at that workplace. Maybe both.

And if you’re ever in a position where you’re asked to do this, here’s my advice; call the trainer out on it.  Ask them what the purpose is, what is the exercise meant to achieve? If they have an answer, but you don’t think the objective will be achieved, say so. And I'll be very surprised if they do have an effective answer.  Lead a mutiny and refuse to just read out a letter that you didn’t intend the other party to hear. Although, seriously, I hope team building has progressed past this kind of nonsense. To be fair, this did happen some time ago, and we’ve learned so much more about how people learn, how the brain responds to threatening situations, and how to foster good working relationships since then. 

As a counterpoint, I once went to a team building away day that did something like this far more effectively.  We were split into small groups, and had to do a round robin type of exercise.  We had puzzles to solve, one I remember was to build something in lego.  There were other types of practical tasks too.  After a given amount of time, we moved to the next table, and had to work on a different task.  I remember being really confused about what we should be doing, should we undo the previous team’s work and start again, or carry on where they left off?  The trainers refused to answer, telling us it was up to us.  By the end of the exercise, I’d twigged.  I realised the point was, we’re all supposed to be on the same team, we’re all working towards the same aims, our communication needed to improve so that we could build on what the previous group had done. Not undo it all and start again, destroying what they had achieved, wasting everyone’s time and the organisation's resources.

Many years later, this lesson remains imprinted on my brain.  This was before I understood about purpose at work.  Before I understood how fundamental it is to feel valued at work. At least before I understood it at an intellectual level, because those things had long been important to me on a visceral level.  But this is a  much better memory than being coerced into sharing some negative feedback to a antagonist at work.

Do we need feedback at all?

​Let’s take the concept of negative feedback and examine it a little more closely. I was going to conclude that feedback is good, but negative feedback should be handled carefully.  But then I remembered something I read just recently. In Nine Lies about Work, Buckingham and Goodall’s lie #5 is ‘people need feedback’.  Should we even give negative feedback at all?  Parenting guides talk about ignoring bad behaviour in your children and praise the good. (Easier said than done, I know!) Does this apply to the workplace too?

Looking back over workplace experiments and citing some research by Gallup, the engagement at work people, Buckingham and Goodall conclude that what people need is not feedback, but attention. The Gallup research found that the worst scenario for workplace engagement was where managers paid no attention whatsoever to their team.  Even negative feedback is attention, and this ​achieved forty times more effectiveness in engaging the team.  So it looks like a win.  But as the point of engagement is to achieve more effective performance, is this still the best way to get this result?  You might not be surprised to learn that positive feedback is more effective still, but you may be surprised to learn that it is thirty times more powerful again than negative feedback. 

Buckingham and Goodall also borrow from the research on personal relationships; it has been found that a happy marriage has a positive to negative ratio of between three to one or five to one – so for each negative experience, you need to give positive attention three to five times.  You can watch my review of Nine Lies about Work
here.  If you want to explore these ideas further, or if you still need convincing of the merits, I highly recommend a read of the book. 

So what are the takeaways from this?

If you’re a manager and want to get the best out of your people, give them positive attention – catch them doing something right, and feed that back to them, help them see what was working. 

If you’re a team member and wish you got on better with colleagues and managers, give them some positive feedback.  As often as you can. It counts just as much whatever your place in the team.

If you’re a trainer, help your students to understand this concept.

If you'd like more ideas on how to be happier at work, you can get a free download here

What is your experience? Do you have any other tips for improving working relationships that have helped you? Let me know in the comments below.

Reference

Buckingham, Marcus and Goodall, Ashley, 2019 ​Nine Lies about Work, ​Harvard Business Review Press Boston, Massachusetts​​​

Indian man in foothills of Himalayas Kashmir three types of work

Should you quit your job? Which of three types of work is it?

A wise old man living in the Himalayas once said there are three types of work.  The first is bad, and only has a negative effect on the world and the people.  The second is neutral, and does no harm, but has no impact for good either.  The third is positive, and is a force for good in the world, helping society or the world in some way.

Ok, it was my friend’s dad, and he said it about two days ago.  😊 He does live in the Himalayas though, and is clearly wise.  I’m not so sure about old; he can’t be much older than me.  Although a wise middle aged man living in the Himalayas doesn’t quite have the same ring about it.

I love this though.  I’ve talked much about meaningful work, and finding the red threads in what you do. But this puts another perspective on it.

Let me ask you, which type of work do you do?

Negative impact

Are you in a corporate role, creating consumer goods no one needs?  Or worse, things like cigarettes, or maybe unhealthy food that you feel isn’t a good thing.  Or in promoting gambling?  It’s subjective, of course.  For many of these things, we could argue that they aren’t all bad – unhealthy food is good for an infrequent treat.  Who doesn’t love cake, or ice cream, or chocolate, now and again?  Or a drink? Or a flutter on the Grand National?  But then there are those who become addicted, or promote them to children and get them hooked into bad habits.  If you are involved in work in a field like this, and you feel it’s intrinsically bad, then yes, you should quit.  If you can’t find a purpose in the work that meets your values, then you are selling your soul.  Leave as soon as you can.

A neutral job

But my job is to persuade you that your job isn’t that bad, so let’s look at some neutral ones.  Even that is subjective.  The friend I was talking to – let’s call her Suki – said her job fell into the neutral category, and she wanted something that has a positive effect on the world.  Her job though, is in the leisure industry, and she provides a service to young people where they can take part in a fun event with their friends.  I’d call that more than neutral.  I think that has a positive effect on the world.  It’s not doing any harm, and it’s enabling people to enjoy themselves.  Yes, it’s a business making a profit, but it’s not ripping people off or conning them out of money, it’s providing a service for a fee.  Suki wants more and wants to work somewhere that is helping people more directly than just having fun, and that’s fine.  But she shouldn’t downplay the role she has now.

Positive impact

It’s easier to see the value in charitable work, in education, health or social care, in teaching.  But just because you’re in a business that makes a profit, that doesn’t mean it has no social or environmental impact on the world.  I don’t want to get into the whole capitalism argument, and there is much going on currently that I personally abhor.  But the profit motive doesn’t automatically mean something is negative.

So should you quit?

So I’ll ask again, what type of work do you do, and should you quit your job?

If you have job with a positive effect on the world, I’d say don’t quit.  You might want to quit if the work culture is rubbish or you don’t have a good manager. They say people don’t quit jobs, they quit managers. But before you do, there are things you can try to learn to fall back in love with work. Try these seven things you can do to feel happier. You might also want to quit if you’re bored.  But if that’s the only problem try this red threads exercise to discover what you love.

If you’re in a neutral job, that might be enough for you.  We all have different wants and needs from our work.  Advice is the same as above.  With the added suggestion that you think differently about the purpose of your work.  If, like Suki, you work somewhere you consider neutral, consider whether you bring joy and happiness, or even something that makes life easier in some way for someone, maybe it’s not so neutral after all.  Focus on that.

If you’re in job that you consider has a negative effect on the world, then yes, I’d be looking for something with more purpose.  Obviously just quitting isn’t a sensible option for most people most of the time.  I can’t tell you what to do of course, and we all have different things to consider. If you have personal circumstances that mean you can’t, if your purpose is to provide for your family, then focus on that.  It’s an important purpose.  But maybe think about what you can change in the future, and start planning for more meaningful work as your next step. What would be a positive work situation for you, and can you work towards that?

I kinda wanted to do a flow chart thingy, but it’s beyond my technological skills 😊  Feel free to let me know what you think of this concept, and how it plays out for you, in the comments below.

Adult woman at desk with laptop 40 something bored at work

40 something and bored at work?

I was described as a 40 something the other day.  I’ll take that, thanks 😊. If you’ve read some of my other posts, you’ll know I left my 40s behind a good while ago.

We were talking about work, and it got me thinking about where I was working in my 40s.  It wasn’t a bad job – there were plenty of interesting things to do, I got on well with the boss, and there were only the two of us for most of the time.  But there were no prospects, and to be honest I wasn’t using my best skills all that much.  The wider organisation – head office, the charity’s trustees – didn’t really know me or my best skills and had no interest in helping me use them or develop and grow.  So I got bored. I needed more.

They say 40 is the new 30

​50 is the new 40, 60 is… well, you get the idea.  And while it’s fun to bask in the glow of being taken for younger than you are, the reality is that we are living longer, are fitter, healthier, have more energy than our grandparents did.  We have active brains and expect more from life.

If you’re a 40 or 50 something – you have at least 10 years of your working life in front of you. With pensions the way they are in the UK, it’s probably going to be longer than that.

How does that make you feel? If you’re living your life just counting the clock down until you can retire, you’re doing it wrong.  If the thought of another 10, 20 or hell, even more years of turning up for this job fills you with horror, ask yourself, why are you choosing to live like this?

You might be taking issue with me now.

​‘I’m not choosing to live this way! I have no choice! I have bills, commitments, family to support!’

There’s always a choice

You might feel trapped in you job.  You need the pay, you don’t have the skills, or the confidence to look for something else.  You’ve looked, without success.  Work sucks anyway, a new job will likely turn out just as bad as this one.  Or even worse, and then what?

We may be stuck in a given situation for a time, but we can always choose our response to what happens, how we deal with it.

Even if you haven’t read his account, you’ve probably heard of Viktor Frankl, who wrote about his experiences in Auschwitz, and how those who gave up on life were the first to die. He says

​We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

​Viktor Frankl

Man's Search for Meaning

Are you just waiting to be happy?

Your job may be bad, but I’m pretty sure it’s not as bad as Auschwitz. This is such an uplifting read, despite its subject, it gives a great perspective on the resilience of people. (I made a video with my thoughts on the account, you can watch it here.)

Do you want to be one of those people who waits to be happy, waits till a retirement that you might not be able to take, or won’t be able to enjoy because you have no disposable income? Is that what it would take for you to be happy – an absence of work?  We hear so much these days about the importance of purpose and meaning in our lives, But Frankl was saying it after the war, after a harrowing experience, and how much it helped those who survived.

Are you asking yourself if there’s more to life than this?

There is.  If you want to make a start now and feel happier at work today, I have put together my best tips for making a change.  It’s free to download.  If you want to find out seven things you can do today to feel happier at work, get it here.

Male ballet dancer on black background work life balance

Is that the work-life balance you want?

Work life balance – does it matter?

Work – work is hard, it’s no fun, a necessary evil.  To be happy, you need balance, your life has to be better, so it evens out the hardship you must endure every day at work.

Really?  Is that the work-life balance you want?

I’ve been saying for a long time that work should be fun, motivating, rewarding, meaningful.  Fulfilling, purposeful, challenging.  Yes, there will be times when the going gets tough, but if you love the purpose of your work, then you can deal with the hard times.  But that’s a bit different to believing that work is hard, something you must endure to earn a living.

So is a good work-life balance the answer?

I’ve just finished reading Nine Lies about Work by Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall. Lie #8 – work life balance matters most. I’m blown away by this.  You might think they’re off their trolley saying this is a lie, of course work life balance matters. But what they say is that it’s more important to be in love with your work. 

One of the most moving things I’ve ever read in a business or personal development book is the story they tell of Sergei Polunin. He was a ​principal dancer at the Royal Ballet who quit at the height of his fame because he was unhappy in his work.  I found it particularly tragic that a dancer, surely an artistic form that you can only do if you love your art, had to quit because he was unhappy in his work.

You might know this story, it was big news when it happened in 2012.  (I didn’t, I don’t follow ballet.) Buckingham and Goodall then tell us how he fell back in love with his art, which was also big news, there’s been a documentary.  It started with a performance on You Tube, and you can see this here.  It’s worth watching, even if you’re not a ballet fan. Buckingham and Goodall say...

​‘…you’ll recognise it not only as the work of a man at the end of his tether, but also as a pure expression of technical craft and unabashed joy.  You see here a man who is taking his loves seriously, interlacing them with craft and discipline, and contributing to us something passionate, rare and pure.’

Red threads

They talk about red threads, what are the threads in your work that you love? Identify them, and then weave more of them into your work. Fall in love with what you do, and spend more time doing those things at work.

If you’re in full time work, then that’s 35, 40 hours a week – more, if you’re in a stressful job where you’re being taken advantage of - you’re devoting to your employer.  Do you want to spend that time resenting what you’re being asked to do?  Or do you want to bring your best self, do what you love, bring your contribution to the world?  If you’re in a difficult situation, then I get that it’s not a simple fix. ​A difficult boss or colleagues can be challenging. But if you can find joy in what you’re doing, you’ll feel better about the worst parts of the deal. You'll also be stronger and more able to deal with them.

If you want to know where to start, I’m going to take a leaf out of the book again. Buckingham and Goodall suggest keeping a note for a week of what tasks you love, and what tasks you loathe, as you do them over the course of the week.  No need to worry ​where there's no strong feelings, just the extremes.  At the end of a work week, you will have a list of your red threads.  There’s no need for all of your threads at work to be red; research found that if they make up 20% or more of what you do, then you are in love with your work. I'm surprised it's such a small proportion, but that gives hope.  If you have other issues, such as difficult working relationships, then at least you know you have a solid foundation on which to build.

Start small

If you’ve read some of my other articles, you’ll know that I’m a big advocate of starting small with making a change.  Does this activity sound like something you could do?  If it does, I’ve made it a little easier by preparing a simple checklist you can ​download and use for the process.

You can also see my review of Nine Lies about Work here.  I’d love to know what you think of it.

Get your checklist now and find your red threads

​Reference

Buckingham, Marcus and Goodall, Ashley, 2019 ​Nine Lies about Work, ​Harvard Business Review Press Boston, Massachusetts​​​

Image of lights saying work harder on dark blue background

Why can’t you motivate yourself at work any more?

Is motivation at work a problem for you?  What’s the difference between motivation, willpower and self discipline? How can they help you to feel happier at work? Why can't you motivate yourself at work any more?

Bear with me while I go in to a little depth on the differences and whether you can develop these characteristics.  I’ll then explain how they can help you at work.

For years I thought I struggled with motivation. Or lack of willpower.  Turns out it's not motivation or willpower that cause the problems, it's poor self discipline. Once I realised the difference, I started working on developing better self discipline to good effect.  So what are the differences?  Let’s start with some dictionary definitions

​Motivate

Cause a person to act in a particular way, stimulate the interest of a person in an activity

Motivation can be

  • Extrinsic – something else motivates us to action
  • Intrinsic – we are able to motivate ourselves to action

​Willpower

​Control exercised by deliberate purpose over impulse; self control

​Self discipline

​The act of or ability to apply oneself, control one’s feelings etc; self control

And a bonus definition…

​Self control

​The power of controlling one’s external reactions, emotions etc

They don’t sound all that different – motivation sounds like things that make us act, so a pull towards, if you like.  Willpower or self control sound a bit like the opposite, we have to resist temptation, not do something that’s bad for us..  And self discipline? Both, by the sound of things, the discipline to do something we should, or not do something we shouldn’t.

Motivation

You can see there are two types of motivation

Extrinsic, like getting paid for your work, not getting in the bosses bad books, meeting the customer’s needs so that they don’t get angry.  Or so that they are happy with us, we’re motivated by the approval.

Intrinsic – it comes from within ourselves, we’re able to get on with something that we really want to, just because we want to.  This is where I used to fail.  I’d want to lose weight, but instead of going to the gym I’d eat cake.

One of my favourite quotes ever is Zig Ziglar on motivation.  He said people often complained that motivation doesn’t last,  and his reply? Neither does bathing, that’s why we do it every day.  I used to wonder what I had to do to motivate myself every day, because as much as I love the quote, it doesn’t really tell me the answer. I wrote more on how much this annoyed me here.

Willpower

So I read that willpower doesn’t work.  We run out of it, it’s a finite resource.  A bit like energy, if you use it all up one day, you have to rest and recharge to build up your supplies again.  What this means is that if you start your day stressed getting the kids out of the house for school, college or whatever, and making sure they have a decent breakfast before they go, and have got all the kit they need for the day, and having a healthy breakfast yourself, then battling with traffic or the public transport commute, the bus is late again, you have to stand on the way in, and then you’ve got to be nice to your boss and your incompetent colleagues, and not lose your temper with a dissatisfied client, you run out of willpower to make a start on that massive report that you know you should be working on, but it’s ok because it’s not due for a couple of weeks yet.  The best thing I’ve read on willpower is actually called ‘Willpower doesn’t work’, written by Benjamin Hardy.  You can find my review of this book on You Tube.  Spoiler alert – it’s worth a read.

Self discipline

So if will power doesn’t work, is self discipline the answer? I mean, it’s not that different by the sound of things, both require self control.  Well, yes and no.  It is, but the trick is to develop it.  It’s not something you either have or don’t have.  It’s like a muscle.  Exercise it, build up its strength and it will get stronger.  And much like exercise, the way to do this is through a regular habit.  Start small – you can’t go into a gym and lift 85kg the first time you go in, if you’ve never lifted weights before. Especially if you’re an unfit overweight middle aged woman like me.  Hell, I couldn’t pick up the 20kg kettlebell this time last year. I mean, literally couldn’t lift it from the floor.  But I did in fact lift 85kg a couple of months ago, after a programme that built up from what I could do, and now I regularly lift 60-65kg. And look at that, I now have the self discipline required for a regular exercise habit.  Pretty amazing considering all my life I’ve struggled with this and never made exercise a regular part of my life.

What's the answer?​

And so it is with any habit. Start small.  Use tricks to make sure you’re reminded to do what you said you’d do.  Make sure your environment supports your new habit, make it easy to do. 

And that, there is the answer.  You have to practice self discipline, and develop yourself so that you are better at it.  How? Are you screaming at me now?  Tell me how!  I will come to that.  But first, you want to know how they can help you be happier at work.

How to be happier at work

Do you often complain about having to go in to work?  Do you complain about your boss, your incompetent colleagues who leave everything to you?  Do you feel miserable at the prospect of another work week?  I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re doing this to yourself.  These feelings and responses are bad habits.  If you want to feel happier at work, you  have got to put some effort into changing your approach.  Look back at that definition of self control – controlling one’s external reactions and emotions.  Daniel Goleman found that people who have good emotional intelligence do better at work, and part of this is managing one’s own emotions.  

There’s loads of recent findings that suggest that happiness comes before success, and let’s face it, mostly we only want to be successful because we want to be happy. So it makes sense to work on being happy.  Aristotle is often quoted as saying that ‘We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit’.  (He apparently didn’t, but that doesn’t make the observation less true.)  We are what we repeatedly do.  If we repeatedly complain, we’re a complainer.  If we are repeatedly cheerful and enthusiastic…. well, you can work that out. Being happy, cheerful, optimistic, enthusiastic, motivated… these are all habits we can develop.  This is good news!  You’re not doomed to this miserable job for the rest of your working life! You can turn it into something you love. You can move on when you’re ready, for the right opportunity, rather than jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.

Start small

My favourite mantra at the moment is start small.  But I also think it is worth thinking about what will make the biggest difference.  In Atomic Habits, Clear talks about habits that have a ripple effect.  In the Power of Habits, Charles Duhigg talks about keystone habits.  For me, exercise was a keystone habit, exercising has a knock on effect of helping me to eat more healthily too. What you need to do is work out what you could do that would be simple to implement, but would have a similar ripple effect.

Two things that worked really well for me were

  • Making a public pledge on stickk.com
  • Using focusmate.com

Stickk.com

Stickk.com is a website where you make your commitment; I committed to exercise three times a week for eight weeks.  If I failed on my commitment in any week, I would be fined.  I got people to referee and support me, so people checking up that I was following through.  Although in fact, it was more the matter of pride that ensured I followed through.

Focusmate.com

Focusmate.com is a website where you sign up for a 50 minute work session, and it pairs you up with a random person on the internet who wants to do the same thing.  At the beginning of the session, you tell each other what you’re working on, and at the end you say how you’ve done.  Throughout, you have your computer’s camera and microphone on, so they can see if you’re still sat there working, or hear if you have YouTube videos going.  I’m sitting here now with Jasmin, who is working on transcribing interviews for her Masters degree while I finish this article.  But the bit that really works for me on this is if I book for a session at 9am the next morning, I have to be at my desk at 9am because someone is depending on me to be there when I said I would.  It is also easier to focus on one task for a 50 minute sprint, and not get distracted by Facebook.

So I wholeheartedly recommend starting small, and trying one of these web tools.  If you want to understand the process behind how our brains work and how to change your habits, read Willpower doesn’t work, and also read Atomic Habits by James Clear, they give so much useful – and scientifically backed – advice on how to stop habits you don’t want, and start the ones you do.

​You can watch my review of Atomic Habits here

​The Power of Habit here​

And Willpower Doesn't Work here

Clear, James, 2018.​ Atomic Habits.​ Random House Business Books, London

Duhigg, Charles 2012.The Power of Habit​. ​Random House Group, London

​Hardy, Benjamin,  ​2018. Willpower Doesn't Work. ​​​Piatkus, London

Ego master your ego

Master your ego

​Master your ego – there’s a day of the year dedicated to this; Ego Awareness Day. Saturday 11th May is the second ego awareness day, it began in 2018.  Who decides on these days? I went to the website, and it’s a very earnest website, with no individuals credited on there.  In fact, one of the descriptions almost made me feel it was a spoof day.

I’ll be honest, I first started getting interested in days of the year as a bit of a running joke with my brother and sister.  My brother posted on facebook that it was Penguin Awareness Day, not to be confused with World Penguin Day or African Penguin Awareness Day. Amongst other things, I was staggered that there was even such a thing as African penguins, so clearly the awareness day thing works.  Since then, we periodically highlight others that amuse us. 

Ego awareness day

So, ego awareness day.  As a blogger, we learn to connect to these days so we can hashtag them on social media, and I couldn’t let this one pass.  I wondered if there was something in it.

The latest book I reviewed says, among other things, that the biggest obstacle to change in the workplace is the leader.  He’s talking about you.  The leader who wants to make the change, the reader of his book.  His advice? Learn to master your ego.

Aaron Dignan

​Brave New Work

‘Work to master your ego. Work to quiet your voice.  Work to step out of the way.  You must become a paragon of trying new things.  Starting new loops.  Asking big questions.  Don’t stay stuck in the habit of evaluating and judging the work of others.  Go find something to do.

‘Your new job is to ensure that the conditions for change are in place, not just now but in perpetuity. While you won’t be doing as much “leading” in the traditional sense, you’ll be doing something far more rewarding. You’ll be creating and holding space for change.’

Not sure if that’s an accurate version of the quote, I had to rely on Google, and there are a few variations.  But you get the idea.  And if it’s good enough for Einstein, I’m pretty sure it’s good enough for the rest of us.

Setting aside the earnestness of the ego awareness website then, and the idea that there should be a world ego awareness day, is there merit in the idea of mastering the ego?

Well, yes.  If you view it as a reflection that none of us are perfect, we all need to continue to learn, develop and grow, then of course we need to master the ego.  I know I’m guilty of believing I’m always right (ask my husband) and it generally takes proof for me to admit I’m wrong.  I also discovered recently how I like to retain control, as I described here.  It’s difficult to let go, and as leaders in the workplace it’s so tempting to think that we know best.

Dignan also says that the old practices of scientific management, embodied by Frederick Taylor, separated the thinking from the doing[2].  And it’s disturbing how much this attitude still prevails, with managers telling their teams what to do, and sometimes even what to think. As autonomy is so important to our motivation, no wonder so many people are dissatisfied and disengaged at work.

What can you do to master the ego?  

Well, I won’t pretend I have all the answers. (Despite my tendency to think I’m right)  ​But here’s a few suggestions to get you started.

  • ​Practice mindfulness

  • ​Ask someone for help - admit that you can't do something alone and that you'd like to learn from them

  • ​Listen to feedback from someone you usually don’t. Really listen.  Ask them how your behaviour affects them.  Ask them what could you do differently, and agree to act on one of their suggestions.

  • ​Find something to do.  Try something new. Something you’ve never done before.  I recommend improv, but anything where you’re starting as a beginner is good.

  • ​Read Mindset by Carol Dweck. [3] An open mind and a growth mindset are immensely valuable. You can watch my review of Mindset here.

​Let me know what you think.  Will you work on mastering your ego?  Will you try one of these suggestions?

Links here to the book reviews mentioned

Brave New Work by Aaron Dignan

Mindset by Carol Dweck